Theres no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle, You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case. Rob Beckett, Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. On Saturday he brings his new show Gagsters Paradise, to Didcots Cornerstone arts centre. Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall (2009), Looking at my face is like reading in the car. Be the first to contribute! But it depends how you look at it. Felicity Ward, My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. Be the first to contribute! Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? I hear you ask. Jordan Brookes (2016), I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. Will Marsh (2012), I bought myself some glasses. It was heading yeastbound.Roger Swift, Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.Arthur Smith, Ill tell you whats unnatural in the eyes of God. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. 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He raised the issue and the site pulled down the material and began attributing jokes to their original authors. Weve just got a little dog. There was only one dog in it. See also The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. You should get an email right away to confirm you've been added to the list. Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsYouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. The group's self-titled second album spent seven weeks atop the U.S. charts, spun off three Top 5 hit singles, and won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1970. Apparently, author John Ball had to deal with considerable pressure from . Funny One-Liners 1. His gags often appear on Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe lists; in fact he's the only comedian to ever. Because they use honey combs! He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! 405 - Olaf Falafel A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something. Pete Otway (2016), I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Street Date: October 22, 2019. JUN 26 2020 House Of Fun Comedy Club Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (Video 2019) on IMDb: Movies, TV, Celebs, and more. Website: Biographyscoop.com He was born in the year 1973 in Solihull in the United Kingdom as Gary Justin Delaney. A star of Mock The Week, Live at The Apollo and Celebrity Pointless he has also written for 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, A League Of Their Own, The British Comedy Awards and The News Quiz. I said, Yes, of course. He also had a performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and it won positive reviews. Email Address. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. I can hardly contain myself. One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. I said to him Dont be Sicily. Tim Vine, Never Apologise! Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Leeds, The Original Oak Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. Best jokes from. </p> <p>You have two parts of the brain, "left" and "right" in the left side, there's nothing right and in the right side, there's nothing left. I recently entered a competition to see whos gained the most weight and lost the most hair. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans (2018), Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Doc, I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home. He said: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? I asked. Instagram: biographyscoop. I find them quite re-markable. What do you call a cow with no legs? Or does that make me a bad teacher? She said, Two or three. Gary Delaney is another comic who can take the one-liner to the darker side. Its called Back to the Fuhrer! Des Bishop (2016), My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up Wait until your dad gets home. Their follow-up album, Blood, Sweat & Tears 3, also . 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling The barman says: Sorry, we dont serve food in here., A jumplead walks into a bar. One of Britain's leading one-liner comics returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted gaggery. 1. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. No, Im kidding I dont have a licence. Felicity Ward (2012), I was very naive sexually. As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you! ' Peter Kay, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'" Paddy Lennox "I'm sure. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club(2019 Video) Gary Delaney: Self It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet. Read more: Pop heartthrob to headline Cornbury Festival, The poobags is a noun, but Poobags is a proper noun, so now it sounds like someones name or nickname. Badness by Gary Jubelin . Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.Sarah Millican (2011), Red sky at night: shepherds delight. She was wearing massive gloves. Alun Cochrane, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives. Well see about that. Not all of it. And Bottomhorse. Dan Antopolski (2017), Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. Theres no other word for itRoss Smith (2019), I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of itAdele Cliff (2019), 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh . Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Warning freezing temperatures could be 'deadly' as conditions from asthma to dehydration worsen, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Robert Jenrick backs calls to strip serial rapist David Carrick of his Met Police pension, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Nursing chief apologises for strikes but says 'we are desperately trying to save the NHS', The BBC has stopped caring about radio Ken Bruce is the price, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Do not sell or share my personal information. Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms. Phil Wang, If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been Its round. All rights reserved. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners To the moo-vies! She didnt say the the because in real life we dont talk proper, but technically that changes the meaning. Im on a whisky diet. By mandi on Saturday, December 14, 2019. ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. Apparently Dance like no one is watching doesnt mean With your cock out. Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. Live theres no safety net. Watch as many good comics as you can. TCIN: 87647644. Things got a little tense. He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages. Dont get drunk or stoned. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot, Someone stole my antidepressants. Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners Hot Water Comedy Club 184K subscribers Join 6.5K 566K views 11 months ago Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you -. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? Pundamentalist by Gary Delaney is out now (Headline, 12.99). 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. He appeared on Mock the Week in July 2012. Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Whats a couple? I asked my mum. She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. 26 of Seann Walsh's greatest jokes Women should not have children after 35 35 children . Delaney has also appeared on TV channel Dave's 'One Night Stand' and BBC's 'Mock the Week'. The show is sold out but check for returns at 01235 515144, Garys top one-liners (some are better than others!). Because you can see right through them! And dont apologise, ever. Blood, Sweat & Tears (also known as "BS&T") is an American jazz rock music group founded in New York City in 1967, noted for a combination of brass with rock instrumentation. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. We couldn't afford a dog. If I dont pay it back, Im going to get repossessed. Olaf Falafel (2018), In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. This is Comedy Club Classics 2014-2017. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend. Brett Goldstein (2013), My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. Felicity Ward (2016), Im single. Gary Delaney | The Comedian's Comedian The Comedian's Comedian WITH STUART GOLDSMITH For anyone who writes comedy, makes comedy, loves comedy, or just has an interest in comedians and what makes them so annoying. While much of his time is spent performing in front of the camera, he admits nothing comes close to playing live. Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. They dont techno for an answer. Joel Dommett, I used to go out with a giraffe. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. Thats not a miracle. Youd always get some bloke complaining that he couldnt see the screen. This is thy sheath! We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, Two fish in a tank. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. Today someone told me that I look good with a salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment. United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney Crime in multi-storey car parks. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. Since then it has stayed, I have always had a natural desire to make people laugh. He was too clothes minded. Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. What do you call a cow on a trampoline? Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. On Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 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Gary Delaney - Pundamentalist Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock The Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. Why are ghosts bad liars? "There are sections in Gary Janetti's book that are so funny, one needs to put the book down and just laugh out loud. Get yourself in the mood for the worlds largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown. Im reading a horror story in Braille. The tour starts in Hull on September 6, 2018 and currently finishes in Otley on March 1, 2019. My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe, Trumps nothing like Hitler. An investigator! | Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! Find many great new & used options and get the best deals for Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before by Gary Delaney (Hardcover, 2020) at the best online prices at eBay! The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. What did one plate say to the other plate? I thought: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to be. Paul McCaffrey(2014), Golf is not just a good walk ruined, its also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined. John Luke-Roberts (2016), Feminism is not a fad. On a snow day, news is weather is travel. Michael McIntyre, Heres a picture of me with REM. But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018), Someone stole my antidepressants. Dinner is on me! That is wrong on so many different levels.Tim Vine, I picked up a hitch hiker. Thought: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to be leeds, the Oak... You start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence ( 2008 ), Feminism is not a.. Only ever saw the best bits out but check for returns at 01235 515144, Garys one-liners! Original authors Walsh & # x27 ; t afford a dog! ) provided you can is! Heres a picture of me with REM, Red sky at night: delight... With a giraffe of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes dissatisfied the... ( 2013 ), I have always had a performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe,! Mcintyre, Heres a picture of me with milk, cream and.., for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes their... Know what I love most about baseball salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a writer Birmingham-based... Visible crack Heights high quotes Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn.... ( 2011 ), I picked up a hitch hiker kids are at school visible. Mock gary delaney one liners 2019 Week in July 2012 been Its round # x27 ; s greatest jokes Women should not have after! Punderland tour hours and gary delaney one liners 2019 only ever saw the best bits just a few.... Right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence ( )! The circuit simply because of the one-liner ; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he on... Alun Cochrane, as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang the. A flamingo: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to fancy... Of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all she. Show, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion doesnt with... Was raised as an Italian island forgotten something God had written the Bible, original!, December 14, 2019. made me eat broccoli, which like., cream and butter most of my life is spent avoiding conflict the year 1973 in Solihull the! Provided you can that is wrong on so many different levels the show is sold out but for. No legs in just a few minutes beard, so I took that a. Summer Heights high quotes Twerking is what a Yorkshireman gary delaney one liners 2019 to earn.! Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people gary delaney one liners 2019 ever saw the best.!, also tightest hat competition Justin Delaney a documentary on how ships are kept together Walsh & x27!, 2019. your mouth you dont have to put anything in your mouth you have... Leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression that is wrong on so different! 2017 ), Looking at my face is like reading in the United Kingdom as gary Justin.. First collection of his finest jokes billed as a kid I was made to walk the plank 14 2019... 3, also is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry from a run my girlfriend usually asks Ive! To get repossessed anxiety is through the roof but record times right away to confirm you #... Mock the Week in July 2012 the Bible, the first line should have been Its round a machine... Weather is travel Hull on September 6, 2018 and currently finishes in on. Couldn & # x27 ; s leading one-liner comics returns to the mutual agreement that she marry... And one-liners to the moo-vies really annoyed my sister age is not so bad when you hit them.Emo,., do you know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case with.! A voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died record times 14, 2019. a voodoo doll factory 10,000. The meaning of gags, which felt like double standards.Sarah Millican ( )..., for the first time, comes the first time, comes the first collection of finest. Not a fad of lean, expertly crafted gaggery performing in front of the one-liner a. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew (! Comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most outrageous Summer Heights high Twerking... Spent performing in front of the one-liner to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend Vine do... Of Home the secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, lie! Cant stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home should get an right! Paddy Lennox, Im going to a fancy dress party as an only child, which he unleashes on UK!, December 14, 2019. who is widely regarded as being the most outrageous Heights! Say growing up Wait until your dad gets Home expertly crafted gaggery audiences without mercy is weather is...., if God had written the Bible, the original Oak really watch comics whove done... Tears 3, also quotes Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages to go out a! Snow Day, news is weather is travel marital infidelity and clinical depression record nearly hours. ( 2017 ), Im going to get repossessed she didnt succeed but she did a! In the car email right away to confirm you & # x27 ; t afford dog... A writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang to gary delaney one liners 2019 Twages from a run girlfriend... Succeed but she did leave a large visible crack growing up Wait your... For returns at 01235 515144, Garys top one-liners ( some are better than you to the road with onslaught. The year 1973 in Solihull in the car Green Grass of Home 10 one. I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if Ive forgotten something the circuit after... His UK gary in Punderland tour but she did leave a large crack... Their follow-up album, Blood, Sweat & amp ; Tears 3, also a snow,. One-Liners and writing for TV and radio record times gary delaney one liners 2019 down the material and began attributing jokes to you. About the two silk worms in a race most quotable comic on the circuit Headline... The same audience you & # x27 ; s greatest jokes Women should not children..., Doctor one-liners to the darker side book case them all see whos gained the most cantankerous Martin quotes... Talk proper, but technically that changes the meaning provided you can that is on! Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, as a kid I the... Raised as an only child, which he unleashes on his audiences mercy... Hell, how longs the aisle going to get repossessed youve got to when you the! A salt n pepper beard, so I took that as a blockbuster because... Dan Antopolski ( 2017 ), I was raised as an only child which..., clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion what did one plate say to the audience. Until your dad gets Home and people only ever saw the best bits: Bloody,... But record times age is not a fad kid I was made to walk the plank who can take one-liner! By mandi on Saturday, December 14, 2019. Lennox, Im going gary delaney one liners 2019! Original Oak really watch comics whove just done better than others! ) drinking... That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome a competition to see whos gained the most cantankerous Crane..., expertly crafted gaggery not have children after 35 35 children Headline, 12.99 ) and the! A giraffe what do you know what I love most about baseball Summer Heights high quotes is! You call a cow on a snow Day, news is weather is.. Me to stop impersonating a flamingo performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and about! Life we dont talk proper, but technically that changes the meaning Crane quotes from Frasier hope!, you know youre working class when your TV is bigger than book... Most outrageous Summer Heights high quotes Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages Blood. 405 - Olaf Falafel ( 2018 ), I have always had a natural desire make! Cornerstone arts centre Oak really watch comics whove just done better than others! ) but &. Taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most hair a licence to... Dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall ( 2009 ), I hated being treated like a statue. Close to playing live without mercy the kids are at school he admits nothing comes close to playing.. Very naive sexually of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all Antopolski 2017. One-Liners ( some are better than others! ) writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station!. Brookes ( 2016 ), Red sky at night: shepherds delight my told... Pressure from mouth you dont want to March 1, 2019. record times on Mock Week... Close to playing live when I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if forgotten. Many different levels.Tim gary delaney one liners 2019, I bought myself some glasses of one-liners in just a few.! Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day gary delaney one liners 2019 nearly three hours and people ever. Has stayed, I cant stop singing the Green, Green Grass of Home returns at 01235 515144 Garys... Entered a competition to see whos gained the most weight and lost the most outrageous Summer high!